I’ve thought about this topic for a long time, as it has plagued me for most of my adult life. More so, when we began having children. I was perfectly content before my first baby came along with just going to work, hanging with my husband, and our families. When baby came along, I was no longer working, and it didn’t hit me for a few years that I was lonely.
It’s been several years since that time, I mean my first child is 12 years old now. Over the years I have felt the sting of loneliness, trying to find and make friends as an adult/mom, and having no success.
What prompted me to write about this was something that happened last night.
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Buying friendships.
We have been a part of a homeschool co-op for the last 6 years. At the end of every year, we have a mandatory meeting to discuss policies, and vote for the new board for the following school year. There are refreshments and mingling so it’s not all business.
We love our co-op. The families are great, we all share similar values, and the kids all get along pretty well. The only thing is, I have never felt like I belonged. I’ve been here a long time, but I’ve never felt like I could share my true self with anyone.
Last night at our meeting, my neighbor (she was my support when we started homeschooling), mentioned something from when she first began homeschooling. She said that she had started a co-op when her kids were young that required her to teach all day long once a week. She was exhausted and dreaded going each week, but she kept telling herself one thing. “I’m buying friends.” That struck me.
I’ve looked up to this woman for probably the last 7 years. She has 7 (almost 8 kids), her and her husband are very active in our church, she holds two book clubs every month, teaches in our co-op, plans church events, and so much more.
To find out that this woman had needed friends at one point in her life was exciting. Not in a mean way, but in a way that meant that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. The more the conversation went on, more and more women spoke up about how at one point or another they had felt that sting of loneliness plague them. These women that I admired.
Then, I realized, loneliness plagues everyone.
It may not be now; it may be later. Or vice versa.
But, at some point, all humans feel it.
Why do we not talk about this? Most of the time I think we become afraid or feel too vulnerable to admit that we don’t have any friends.
So, how do we solve it?
Although I wouldn’t say I have a lot of close friends like I did in high school, I will admit that I have good relationships with more people now than I did 10 years ago. I throw out an event on GroupMe and someone will come. That’s all I need for now.
Finding Friendships –
Step 1: Your lifestyle.
How should we go about looking for friendships? What is our life like right now?
Are you working outside the home? Are you at homeschooling with your kids all day? Are you home while the kids are at school? Are you working with no kids at home and all of your friends have children now?
All of these and many more situations can create isolation.
We need to see where we are and decide where we want to be. Are you looking for other families to hang out with? Or are you looking for a buddy that would love to get together after work for dinner? Or do you want friends that are up for kayaking down the river?
I promise, there are people out there looking for a buddy to do all of these things with too. You just have to find each other. In a safe way.
Step 2: Get outside of your comfort zone.
Getting outside of our comfort zone is, well, it’s uncomfortable.
The bad news is that there is no growth in the comfort zone.
For me, I had to go out and look for friendships. The realization had come to me that no one is going to come looking for me. If I want friends, I need to go find them.
We joined a homeschool co-op, we joined another homeschool group, and I would start conversations with other moms at the park.
None of those things were what I wanted to do. I would be happy to stay in my home all day, out of any kind of spotlight or vulnerable experience. Sticking to where I am comfortable was not going to give me what I wanted.
I had to reach outside my comfort zone.
Step 3: Show Up.
The first two steps get you to leave your comfort zone. This third step is what makes the difference.
Nothing is more important than showing up. Even if you just show up and talk to one person each time. You just need to be seen.
When people notice that you are always there, they become more comfortable, you become more comfortable, and a trust and bond will begin to form.
This holds for finding/keeping friendships and for work things.
It works for work, too.
My husband has to travel to out of state for meetings every couple of months. This reaches outside of his comfort zone too, because well, we are quiet, reserved people that would rather stay in the background.
We talked about him going for his last meeting and I told him the same thing I am saying to all of you. You have to show up. There is nothing more important.
He doesn’t say a whole lot at these meetings, but when he does speak up to give his thoughts on a topic, everyone in the room stops, waits, and listens. He likes that.
For him, it meant that since he doesn’t speak outright very often, that they were all pausing to hear what he had to say. He shows up, and contributes when it matters. At these meetings, he is always trying to talk to someone different that he hasn’t had the chance to meet yet, and to reinforce the relationships he has made over the years since he has worked there.
It’s not something he likes to do, but it’s something he needs to do to form and maintain relationships.
Step 4: Maintenance and/or Growth.
Relationships can become stronger or stagnant, it’s up to you.
Maintenance requires showing up, contributing, and making an effort to communicate with others.
Growth requires us to keep branching out or to schedule more outings with the people we want to form friendships with.
If we don’t want anything to come of a friendship with someone, then we leave it alone.
One family that we attend co-op with, we didn’t know very well a year and a half ago. However, they started attending the same P.E. we went to, and we had co-op with them every week. When we saw them more frequently, friendships began to form. Now, we schedule hikes, lake days, and park days with each other.
We showed up, saw them multiple times a week, and figured out similar interests. Then, we built upon that.
It’s Not So Scary.
Just remember that it’s not as scary as it seems. Even if someone were to reject you, there’s someone else out there for you.
I have been rejected by potential friends many (many) times. After many prayers asking why does no one like me, (and eating lots of sugar free treats), I found people that I did like being with and they liked being with me.
Like I said, currently, my friendships aren’t deep, but I keep showing up. I pray and do the work.
Keep going and don’t give up. Just remember, I have been there and cried many tears over this topic with many stories of rejection to share. If I can come back from the ashes, so can you!
I would love to hear from you and what you find the most helpful when trying to find friendships. Even if you want to share a rejection story, I am all ears. No judgement here. Good luck to you, my friends!
Thanks for Reading!
P.S. –
If you are looking for something to tide you over until you find your next best buddies, the Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion will help you ward off those lonely times. The first one is a little tough to get through, it’s just a lot of background, but after that they are amazing!
